WHAT I WOULD DO IF I WERE ELECTED DICTATOR

One thing that annoyed my father to no end was people who dumped spoonfuls of sugar into their tea and never stirred it because that would make it too sweet. It’s something my uncle Eddy did all the time. Uncle Eddy is a story by himself but that will have to wait for another day. It will suffice for now that you to know Uncle Eddy was not my father’s brother. He was my mother’s brother, got it?

The sugar in tea thing was my father’s pet peeve. I am an apple that fell far enough from the tree to have peeves of my own. If I tell you all my peeves it will destroy my marriage. But I will share one — telephone poles.

In my acceptance speech I will vow to fight for enactment of a moratorium on telephone poles. What am I saying! If I were dictator I would have Obamapower, no need to ‘fight for’, I could just proclaim. Good. No new telephone poles; all new wiring goes underground. I am beginning to get giddy from the power already.
Unlike my predecessor, I am not very interested in changing the tides. Let them ebb and flow like they always have and keep the clams happy. Who am I to go up against Mother Nature, aka God?

Next up, the federal department of education. It’s gone. Gone back to the states. The federal government has no business dictating what they want taught to my kids. The teachers unions will not be happy because if a teacher doesn’t teach the teacher will be gone. Tenure — gone. Discipline will be back! I will put the teachers back in charge of the classroom. There is no higher calling than “teacher” and a teacher needs to have the authority that goes with the calling.

On to healthcare. Obamacare is gone. Not back to the states, just gone! The quality of healthcare in America is superb but the delivery system is horrible. I will fix the system without throwing the baby out with the bathwater. (Dictators can use as many clichés as they wish).

Tort law has to change. I considered Shakespeare’s advice in Henry VI — “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.” Too harsh I thought, just a little bit too harsh. We do need to keep a few because there really is such a thing as medical malpractice. But I will change tort law and set doctors free to practice patient medicine, not legal defensive medicine.

Commercials for prescription drugs will not be allowed. If I need a drug my doctor will prescribe it. Who am I to become my own physician by studying an advertisement?

Everyone will have to make a co-pay. Nothing creates greater demand and more waste than the words “It’s free.” I will establish clinics, good clinics, for the truly indigent and uninsured. Emergency rooms will be for emergencies when I am dictator.
I will close the southern border with modern technology, not wire and bricks. Penalties for crossing will be severe. Illegal immigrants who commit felonies will be sent back post- haste. But what’s done is done and cannot be undone. There are many good people here who took advantage of our laxities to make a better home for themselves in a better land. I will offer them a citizenship status where the only threat of deportation will be a criminal conviction. They can start working “on the books” and those who hire them will become law abiding citizens once again.

And when I become dictator you will still be able to buy those curly bulbs, but only if you want to.