Category Archives: Satire

EIERSCHALENSOLLBRUCHSTELLENVERURSACHER

Posted on June 8, 2012 | Leave a comment

This is my eierschalensollbruchstellenverursacher.  Very few people have anything known by a word as long as that.  Owning it makes me feel very superior.  Anyone can have a fork or even a five letter item like a spoon, but only special people have an eierschalensollbruchstellenverursacher.  Having it helps me to separate the upper crust from the mass below and I find that to be quite a satisfying way to start the day.

I realize that many people among the proletariat are unaware of this upper crust tool.  A person in my position must look down and forgive them for they know not what it is.  Tomorrow I will bring them out of their darkness and explain how it’s used.

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HOW ABOUT $179,750 PER HOUR

Posted on May 12, 2012 | Leave a comment

No, that’s not a job offer.  It’s the cost of operating the airplane known as Air Force One according to the Pentagon.

Like the White House, it belongs to you and me.  We gladly pay the expenses and give the sitting President to privilege of using them.  When we elect another president we expect the departing President to leave them behind.  Air Force One is not Barack Obama’s private jet.  Would someone please tell CBS.

IT'S NOT HIS, IT'S OURS

The President used our plane to go coast to coast across the country to raise some money for himself.  Reporting on the trip to George Clooney’s house (that’s where the money was) CBS said “The star of the evening, the president, arrived at LAX in his private jet, Air Force One.”  Now CBS, you know the man you call president with a small p doesn’t believe in private jets.  What’s LAX is your reporting , I believe.

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Posted in News, Political polemics, Satire

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OBAMA OFFERS TO TWEET YOUR MOM ON MOTHER’S DAY

Posted on May 9, 2012 | Leave a comment

Hustle in 5 or more donors to Obama’s election campaign and your name goes into a hat. The lucky winner gets his mom tweeted by the President of the United States. LOL!

It’s no joke. Here is a link to the official Obama-Biden Blog where Rufus Gifford, Obama’s National Finance Director made the announcement yesterday. Just because it’s a real doesn’t mean it isn’t funny. After all, Biden’s name is on the website. If Biden didn’t originate the idea it must have come from Avon where the Lady who brings in the most new accounts for the month gets a pink handbag. The idea is not without risk, however. What if someone calls our leader a Mother-Tweeter and it sticks?

Well anyway, if you want your mother shouted at or tweeted personally by the big BHO himself this will probably be your last chance. Enroll your dog, your cat or uncle John if you need to in order to get the five. I know, uncle John was a Republican but once they have passed away they can be voted either way. I learned that from a friend in 2008. A lot of Republicans turn Democrat when they die, he said.

Of course you may not win the drawing; then what? You will have to tweet your mother yourself or buy her flowers. I suggest you forget the tweeting thing and just go for flowers and the best Mother’s Day card you can find. A kiss would be a nice touch too.

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Posted in News, Satire, Uncategorized

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HYPE and BLAME, THAT’S HIS GAME, THE GREAT PRETENDER

Posted on May 3, 2012 | 2 comments

The Republican National Committee (RNC) is preparing this new bumper sticker which, I presume will be offered on their website.

DO YOU REALLY WANT MORE OF THE SAME?

The staff in the Random Thots Department of Limericks and Fancy Prose submitted this

Hype and blame, what a shame
on nothing more he rose to fame.
And he did no good
‘though he said he would.
The time has come to end this, his game

Whaddya think, should we publish it?

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Posted in Humor, Satire

ROCK IN THE WHITE HOUSE

Posted on March 15, 2012 | Leave a comment

Help me out, I am over 80.  Who is Chris Rock and what do they mean when they say he riffs?  Or is Riffs his last name? It’s capitalized in the headline.  Is this the same dude who was just arrested for grabbing someone’s cell phone/camera away from them and smashing a window with it?

Apparently Mr. Riffs is a very important person because he was invited to a birthday party for the President of the United States at the White House.  He must have had a good time because he said he felt like “he died and went to black heaven,”.  He says the party was filled with celebrity guests like Jay-Z, Tom Hanks and Whoopi Goldberg.  Who is Jay-Z?

The ABC headline reads “Chris Rock Riffs on Obama’s 50th Birthday Party”

While Rock called the party an “unbelievable experience,” he said the informal dress code made him feel like the late rapper “Jam Master Jay” at the White House.

Rock also talked about standing with rapper-producer Jay-Z in the audience and watching singer-songwriter Stevie Wonder and pianist-composer Herbie Hancock perform together.

“Me and Jay-Z looked at each other like, ‘Oh, hell no, we’re never going to do shows here,’” Rock said in the video of his club appearance. “The president is never going to go, ‘Yes, ‘Big Pimpin,’ how did you like that?’” Rock said, referring to a Jay-Z song. “That’s never going to happen. Let’s just be glad we’re invited.”

Rock went on to say that after Hancock and Wonder left the stage, the DJ slowly switched the tunes from the R&B group Kool & the Gang to funk innovator George Clinton and that the music got “blacker and blacker.”

The most surreal portion of the night, Rock said, was the moment Beyonce’s “Crazy in Love” started playing. At that point, Rock recalled that first daughters Malia, 13, and Sasha Obama, 10,”came out of nowhere … and started doing the dougie” dance.

Is this our White House?  Stevie Wonder is great but Big Pimpin?  And if it was “Black Heaven” what was Tom Hanks doing there?  It was Obama’s 50th birthday party and the Washington Post says he paid for it, so I guess he is entitled to have whatever kind of party he wants.  As White House parties go, it certainly was different.  It must be part of the total transformation Obama promised us.

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OBAMA PRAISES THE CHEVROLET VOLT AND REVEALS HE WILL NOT SEEK A THIRD TERM

Posted on March 6, 2012 | Leave a comment

The cat is out of the bag, so to speak.  President in Chief, B. H. Obama let this remark slip out in a speech to the United Auto Workers union last week.  He vowed to buy a Volt “five years from now, when I’m not president anymore.”  So much for the alarmist’s President-for-life theory.

What occasioned the remark was the then imminent shutting down of the production line for the Chevy VOLT and the ensuing layoff of 1,300 workers by Government Motors.  The President wanted to assure the union workers of his continued support for the car.  The VOLT has been an utter failure in the market place.  Not since Ford introduced the Edsel has a car been such a flop.  Ford’s mistake was to put a toilet seat on the front of the car and then give the car a name like Edsel.  The failure didn’t cost taxpayers a red cent.  The company acknowledged they had launched a loser and discontinued the model.  That decision was just common sense born out of necessity.

GM, however, is only a quasi-private sector company that remains subject to the demands of Obama and his administration.  While a private sector company must manage sensibly to avoid the bankruptcy courts and assure its ultimate survival, no such discipline exists with the government.  The politicians do not pay for their failures; we do.

If the batteries are still good, and he is careful with his speed, Barack will be able to drive electrically up to 40 miles on just one battery charge.  All I can say to that is, “Wow!”  After only 8-10 hours of recharging at home, he can drive on the batteries for another 40 miles, again “Wow!”  Of course, in 5 to 8 years it will be time to replace the batteries.  At a cost of about $15,000 before adjusting for inflation, this effectively sets the lifespan of the car.

Now here’s one for the… you-can’t-make-this-stuff-up… department.  The VOLT is sold in Europe under the name Volt/Ampera.  There are some mighty fine automobiles built in Europe and every year one outstanding example is chosen to be honored as Car of the Year at the Geneva Auto Convention.  This year they picked the VOLT.

The auto show, in its review of the vehicle, called the Volt/Ampera a “mature product, after years of development and perfectioning by General Motors, and the first example of an electric vehicle with extended range.”

Europeans are not normally that dense when it comes to engineering.  It must be racism.  It’s Obama’s car.  Ridiculous of course.  But so is the car.

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OCCUPY WOMEN TAKE THEIR PROTEST TO MEN’S TOILETS

Posted on February 24, 2012 | Leave a comment

A new women’s movement has been launched by Ms. Li Tingting in Guangzhou, China.  Speaking as a man, I have no objection to women’s movements.  Most of them are rather pleasant in fact.  But this one takes on a new dimension.  A group of ladies in China are demanding toilet equality.

When I first saw the headline I thought the fuss was about the age old conflict of the seat.  The ladies know we need it up but they always, always leave it down.  That has long been a pet beef of mine.  But no, the women in China are griping about the long waiting lines to enter the Ladies Room when there are no lines at all for the men.  Is this a valid example of social injustice or just some new form of maleness envy?

Studies show that there are about the same number of men in the world as there are women.  Further analysis reveals the size of the restrooms generally to be equal.  So what can be the cause of the problem?  More important, what is the solution?  How about MORE STALLS FOR THE 50% !!

Read about it here.  It’s priceless.

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Posted in Humor, News, Satire

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BREAKING NEWS !!

Posted on February 22, 2012 | Leave a comment

The world blew up this morning at about 8 o’clock.  There is nothing left. According to the New York Times, women, children and minorities suffered the most.  Vladimir Putin vowed he would restore the Soviet Union, even though it is now scattered in fragments somewhere in space.  Chavez says America did it, of course.  Obama blamed it on Bush.

“The United States are gone, all 57 of them”, noted  President Obama, then added “Well, at least it’s a complete transformation.  My only wish is that Martha’s Vineyard could have been spared”.  The insurance industry is in a panic as you might expect; they had exclusion clauses for losses due to war but not for this.

Al Gore termed it an environmental disaster.  He said it never would have happened under his administration.  He held his home state of Tennessee responsible.  “My own friends, the people who knew me best let me down.  If I had carried Tennessee the Supreme Court would not have been able to revoke my election.”  The Sierra Club expressed concern that the fracturing of earth into a collection of asteroids presents a threat to already endangered species on the other planets.  “If one of the big chunks, like Africa for instance, hits one of the smaller planets the impact will be devastating”, a representative explained.

Harold Camping called in long distance and said excitedly, “I called it!  I was just a little bit off on the date”.  Paul Krugman insists it could have been prevented if the government had only raised taxes and spent more money.  But when asked how in the world (excuse the passé expression) that would help, all he returned was a silent grin.  On the political front, the 99% are enraged.  The group is protesting that their rights have been denied because they no longer have any place to demonstrate.

The good news is Palin channeled Ronald Reagan and reports that he smiled and said “Take heart.  I have unshakeable faith in the resourcefulness of the American people.  A great hill will be rebuilt and the United States will shine brightly from the top of it once again”.

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RANDOM THOTS ABOUT OBAMA, HOLDER AND PELOSI

Posted on December 17, 2011 | Leave a comment

A man of the people or a member of the 1% ?
Barack Obama took 11 days in August to vacation on the exclusive island of Martha’s Vineyard.  Now the President has planned another 17 day vacation in Hawaii.  Rounding it out, that’s about one month of vacation out of the last 6 months in office.  Mrs. Crosby once said of her husband, “Bing  was a golfer who sometimes sang for a living”.  Dare we say, our President is a tourist who sometimes gives campaign speeches for a living?

Speaking of speeches
U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder recently went to the LBJ library to give a speech denouncing Texas law that requires voters to present a photo ID before entering a voting booth.  Holder argued that requiring an ID for voting was somehow discriminatory.

Those who came to hear him speak were required to show photo ID cards to enter the library and hear Holder speak.

Pelosi-speak
Apparently sober, but stumbling a bit nonetheless, Nancy Pelosi, formerly third in line for the Presidency explained how helping people stay on unemployment creates jobs.  “…extending the incr…cut and extending unemployment insurance is not only good for individuals, um it also has a macroeconomic impact, uh macroeconomic advisers have advised it will make a difference of 600,000 jobs”, she said.  One would have thought it would be microeconomic advisers who would come up with a number like that.  Perhaps it was just an estimate.  Video.

The former Speaker of the House did not explain why there was a need to say what was in this particular bill before passing it into law.

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THE GADDAFI THING. DID OBAMA DO IT? OF COURSE HE DIDN’T

Posted on October 26, 2011 | Leave a comment

It was a street vendor in Tunisia and the facilitation of the Internet that led to the dictator’s death.  I am surprised Al Gore isn’t taking credit for it.  After all, he invented the internet.

Mohamed Bouazizi set his body on fire in a public act of suicide on January 4th when a Tunisian official confiscated the goods he was selling from his cart.  Public outrage went viral over the internet and the Arab Spring was sprung.  It was local rioting that started the action in Libya.  It was Libyan guerillas that carried out the fight.  It was a local guerilla that killed Gaddafi’s after he had been captured alive.  Obama has been busy assassinating other people.  But he never did get Gaddafi.

Of course, Obama is taking the credit for removing the brutal dictator from power.  Let’s remember that when the al qaeda-like Muslim Brotherhood takes control.  France and Europe beware; your invaders are gaining control of your oil supply.  Ladies, put your burkas on, stay in the house and prepare to share your husbands.  United Nations, congratulations!  You have a new candidate to chair the Human Rights Council.

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Posted in Opinion, Political polemics, Satire

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