Category Archives: Satire

JOB INCREASE 95% IN GOVERNMENT SECTOR

Obama applauds

All this talk about government jobs has set me ta’wondrin about sumpin. We know unemployment is bad for the country, because it puts the people we have voted into office in a bad light. We also know the government is wicked bad in need of some money. Now, studies have shown that people with jobs pay more taxes than people without jobs. I figured out, that if the government offered a job, any job with pay, to anyone who does not have a job, unemployment would go down and tax revenue would go up.

But wouldn’t ya know! Them fellers in Washington got that all figgered out too, and they’re doin it already. I shudda known they would figger it out before me. But then I was never the brightest apple in the orange crate like some of them polyticians are.
Kilroy

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CAN JAMES CAMERON SAVE US?

Government calls on director of Titanic and Avatar to stop oil spill

Neither British Petroleum, the Federal Government, the U.S. Coast Guard nor even Obama himself have been able to stop the flow. Just when there seems to be no hope at all, the powers that guide us place their faith in a master movie maker. It’s Hollywood to the rescue.

It’s a stroke of genius. Anyone who knows how to tell someone else to photograph a ship under water should also know how to tell someone else to screw a cap on a pipe underwater. Modesty reigns in the White House so no one is taking credit for the idea. Some say it came from Biden, others claim it was Emmanuel who said “Never let a disaster go to waste. Let’s make a movie.”

We assume Obama would play himself in the saga. While the story would be based on real events it would need to be greatly modified. Actually that’s redundant; “based on” means “greatly modified” in Hollywoodspeak. Change is essential for there must be a hero, a villain, sex, tragedy and triumph. The hero, villain and tragedy are in place and triumph can be presumed. Sex is the challenge. Producers are considering changing the site to a land base rig where the explosive event could be filmed with shock and awe.

Bob B

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OBAMA NOW RUNNING BRITISH PETROLEUM

Obama making it perfectly clear.

Barack H. Obama, the current president of the United States, just held a press conference, his first in over a year. As you probably know, a foreign oil company has been spilling a lot of oil in the Gulf of Mexico. It started more than a month ago (April 20) and apparently our current president thought it was time he said something about it.

Obama said his people ordered the company to drill two holes as part of the effort to control the spill instead of the single one that executives had proposed. “BP is operating at our direction,” Obama said. “Every key decision and action they take must be approved by us in advance,” adding that, “if the Coast Guard ordered BP to do something, they are legally bound to do it. BP is not running around wherever it wants and nobody’s minding the store,” Obama said. “Our teams are authorized to direct BP, in the same way that they’d be authorized to direct those teams if they were technically being paid by the government.”

When a reporter asked about Interior Secretary Ken Salazar’s comment that the administration has their “boots on the neck” of the oil company, Obama replied “We don’t need to use language like that. What we need are actions that make sure BP is held accountable.” It is unfortunate Salazar did not consult with the vice president about the use of language before making that statement.

Elizabeth Birnbaum was head of the U.S. Minerals Management Service, the federal agency that oversees offshore oil drilling. She just resigned. A reporter by the name of Chip Reid asked our current president about it. He replied that he knew she was gone, and added “I don’t know the circumstances in which this occurred.”

Presumably as a  courtesy to clear Ms Birnbaum, lest she be blamed for the accident, Obama told the reporter that corrupt practices of the Bush administration are what led to the disaster.

The President announced he was running BP at about 1:16 pm. By 1:38 pm  BP executives declared the flow had begun to slow and the oceans had started to clean. Obama will visit the Louisiana shoreline tomorrow to view the damage. It is presumed that from there, he will walk out to the sight of the spill and turn the remaining oil into wine.

The transcript of our current president’s more or less annual press conference is here.

Bob B

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PLEASE SEND $117,978

Dear U.S. Taxpayer:

Please send $117,978. This is your share of the National Debt and we want to pay it off to improve our credit rating. Please hurry because interest is piling up while you wait. In fact if you could send $180,163 it would cover both the debt and interest. That would be appreciated.

Kindly use Fedex. It is so much quicker than U.S. Mail.

Your humble servant,

The U.S. Government

***********************************

Check out the source at this link. It is dazzling.

Bob B

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LAST WEEK

Week ending May 21, 2010

Monday
Lulu of Brazil makes a deal with loon of Iran.


Pres. Lulu looks like Foster Brooks to me. In any event, Brazil gets uranium. Iran gets a friend.

Tuesday
Blumenthal hits the fan.
See the post “It Was A Blumen Lie, So It Was

Rachel Maddow gets night sweats and vibrates off her seat.
If Rachel vibrates and Matthews tingles MSNBC’s ratings might go up if they were put on the same program. I wonder what would be a good name for the show… Click for video.

Wednesday
Euro slides to 1.22

Chicago bank is too cozy to fail
Breitbart reports that ShoreBank, a community lender with strong ties to the Obama administration gets bailed out.

Thursday
Stock market crashes again.
European nations’ financial irresponsibility drags down American markets.

Friday
Jobless claims rise by largest amount in 3 months
It is not good news.

Bob B

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IT WAS A BLUMEN LIE, SO IT WAS

At a ceremony honoring veterans and senior citizens who sent presents to soldiers overseas, Attorney General Richard Blumenthal of Connecticut rose and spoke of an earlier time in his life.“We have learned something important since the days that I served in Vietnam,” Mr. Blumenthal said to the group gathered in Norwalk in March 2008. On other occasions he has described the abuse received as a veteran returning from Vietnam.

However, Blumenthal, who is  now running for Senate seat being vacated by Christopher Dodd, never served in Vietnam. He obtained at least five military deferments from 1965 to 1970 and took repeated steps that enabled him to avoid serving in the military.

By way of clarification he explained he misspeaks a lot. That’s a good one.   The man has given speeches in VFR halls, perhaps that is what he meant by being in the military. I suppose it all depends on what “in” means. However, the spits he endured seem to be seared, seared in his memory.

As far as we know he was never under fire the way Hillary was when she had to run from the helicopter to safety.

My, my, how they lie.

Bob B

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LAST WEEK

Week ending May 14, 2010

Monday
Another flag flap.
One student reprimanded for drawing a picture of the American flag while a classmate is praised for drawing one of Barack Obama.

Detroit News reports that workers prefer unemployment over work.
Correction –
Detroit News reports that people prefer unemployment over work.
Extending unemployment benefits has led to an increase in unemployment.
Read about it here.

Tuesday
We learn of proposal for a medal to be awarded soldiers who exercise “courageous restraint”.
British Maj. Gen. Nick Carter, the NATO commander of troops in southern Afghanistan, proposed the idea of awarding a medal to troop who exercise courageous restraint”. There must be danger for there to be courage. Therefore I presume this medal will be awarded to soldiers who, facing imminent danger to themselves and their comrades, do nothing.

Wednesday
U.S. Treasury announces April deficit was 4 times larger than last year’s deficit.
Federal spending to stimulate people was held partly to blame. IRS action also contributed to the shortfall as they returned some of the peoples’ money to them as tax refunds.

Thursday
Obama administration authorizes killing of a U.S. citizen.
His name is Anwar al-Awlaki, and he is hiding in Yemen. The NY Times reports, “Congress has protected Awlaki’s cellphone calls,” said Vicki Divoll, a former C.I.A. lawyer who now teaches at the United States Naval Academy. “But it has not provided any protections for his life. That makes no sense.”
I agree. I see no reason why we should be protecting terrorists’ phone calls.

Friday
Detroit starts the process of demolishing 10,000 buildings.
There goes the neighborhood. Read about it here.

Bob B

WHAT ABOUT IDAHO ?

Elena Kagan, from Manhattan to the Supreme Court
The President has put forth his nominee to fill the vacancy on the U.S. Supreme Court. She is Elena Kagan and would be the third woman appointed to the Court. That’s okay. But they are all from New York City.

Now, citizens of a city do not see the world in the same manner as rural folk. And citizens of New York City in particular don’t believe there is any intelligent life more than forty or fifty miles from Times Square. In fact Times Square itself is not held in very high regard; it’s mostly tourists from fly-over country and Japan. That is not to say that there is anything wrong with tourists, but one does not want to mingle with them, does one?

The New York Times building is still there and so is the Broadway theatre. Were it not for these redeeming features it would just be another of those places about which Yogi Berra would say, “Nobody goes there any more. It’s too crowded.”

The Supreme Court needs more diversity. What about Idaho, Iowa or Oklahoma? They must have some judges who would like the job. Perhaps Obama could not find one willing to move to Washington. That would be understandable. Or perhaps he just wanted to give someone a chance to be a judge who had never been one. Ms. Elena qualifies on that count.

Bob B

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WASHINGTON BY THE WEEK

In the future this feature will be titled LAST WEEK. The old title was a bit too restrictive.

Week ending May 7, 2010
Monday
Obama reveals the size of our nuclear stockpile to our enemies.
Obama, as our President, sits in for us in the world wide poker game played between sovereign nations. It is a game of life and death. Our leader chooses to show his hand for all the world to see. We need a new leader.

Bloomberg to Couric – Times Square bomber may have been Obamacare protester
We all know better now. Hizzoner should have known better then.

Tuesday
Schwarzenegger ends his support for offshore oil drilling
I told you. He isn’t a Republican.

Wednesday
Osama bin Laden is in Washington, D.C.
Ahmadinejad said so, and he ought to know. He was kidding, of course. (???)

Bob Woodward is doing Barack Obama
This one is guaranteed to be a best seller. Scheduled for September release.

Yahoo News reports “Congress makes too many vague laws.”
If Yahoo thinks that’s news, it explains why their name is Yahoo.

Thursday
Al Sharpton speaks for Karl Marx
“No Social Justice Until Everything ‘Equal in Everybody’s House’.”
I presume anyone owning two cars is going to have to give one of them to someone who has no car. It’s the only path to justice, especially of the other person won’t work and save to earn one.

Friday
Unemployment comes in at 9.9% or 17.1% depending on how you look at it
If Obama wants to replicate Franklin Roosevelt he has to get higher numbers than that. FDR got the official number up to 23.2% after being in office for two years. To be fair, he had a head start. They were 18% when he took office. But he did hold them up very well. Unemployment was still 17.4% at the end of his sixth year.

Bob B

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REALLY RANDOM

Mayor Bloomberg tells Katie Couric that the failed attempt to blow up Times Square could have been someone who did not like Obama’s health care plan. He was right of course. It could have been. It also could have been Michael Moore or some school bus driver from Denver. Why was it the Mayor’s first thought was of someone who did not like Obamacare. It sounds to me like he has been watching too much Hardball with Chris Matthews.

Speaking of Chris Matthews, the man who gets tingles up his legs for Obama, have you heard his latest? Regarding the rig accident in the Gulf of Mexico, Rush Limbaugh says it was sabotage by environmentalists but the truth is it happened because British Petroleum makes a profit. You can watch the video here.

Now that we know the problem the solution is easy, full blown Marxist socialism. No more oil companies. All drilling done by the government. Governments never generate a profit. No profit – no accidents. Simple.

Barack Obama opens the nuke conference by declassifying details of our nuclear capability. I want to play poker with this guy. He shows his hand to the other players at the outset of the game. He is a sure loser. The trouble is he’s sitting in for me at a game of life and death.

Bob B