Category Archives: Satire

SHAME ON THOSE GUYS!

A headline in yesterday’s New York Times reads:

Companies Use Immigration Crackdown to Turn a Profit

It seems a company that is providing security services in Australia for detention camps housing illegal aliens there, is charging for their services.  Shame on those guys!

If those guys want to get to heaven they should follow the example of the New York Times.  The paper has generated an operating loss of $114,000,000 thus far for the current year.  Analysts predict this morality measure will continue to improve as the losses keep mounting through the end of the year.

(psst! step a little closer.  We don’t want to start a rumor but there is story going around that Sulzi the publisher and Janet his CEO are charging for their services too.  Their salaries are more than 3 million dollars apiece.  I don’t think it costs them that much to go to work.  Shame!  Don’t tell anybody I told you.)

Ahem!  The story goes on to say the services stink.  Could be.  I know I smell something.

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE PRESIDENT

Dear Mr. President,

Here is my plan for fixing the economy.

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force.  Pay each of them 1 million dollars tax free severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire.
Forty million new job openings – Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a house or pay off their mortgage.
Housing Crisis fixed.

3) They MUST buy a new American made car.
Auto Industry fixed.

4) They MUST travel abroad and talk quietly in restaurants.
The reputation of Americans in Europe fixed.

You put 535 million dollars into just one corporation, Solyndra, and it didn’t create a single positive job.  In fact, Solyndra was responsible for 1,100 negative jobs when your friends closed up the shop after they got the money.  My plan creates positive jobs and will pay for itself by taking millions off the unemployment rolls, turning them from tax receivers to tax payers.  (Don’t do the math.  The President doesn’t.  Why should we?)

If more money is needed, have all the members of your administration and Congress pay their taxes.

Sincerely yours,  a man over 50

IT’S JOINT SESSION DAY

It’s eight o’clock in the morning on the day of  THE BIG JOBS SPEECH.  My neck is stuck way out.  I am going to predict what The Man is going and not going to say.  When I went to school, anything above 65% was passing.  Let’s see how I do on this one.

According to the advanced billing the raison d’être of the speech is to promote the creation of jobs.  But the speech itself will be about the support and expansion of government, both federal and state.  Obama will call for $300,000,000,000 (300 B) with much of it slated for infrastructure.  Infrastructure is in the government domain.  We heard this plan two years and a few billion dollars ago.  It didn’t work then and it won’t now.  Or as Yogi Berra might say – It didn’t work the first time and you can’t stop it from not working again.

”The definition of an Obama is someone who keeps repeating the same mistake over and over, each time expecting a different result.”      Al Einstein, from Brooklyn

Perhaps the President thinks it will work this time because the shovels have had more time to get ready.  Franklin Roosevelt’s shovels were ready.  He tried the infrastructure approach with his Works Progress Administration (WPA) and Civilian Conservation Corps (CCC) Camps.  The result — unemployment stood at 15.3% at the end of 1936, four years after he was elected.  It was still 14.6% at the end of his second term, a full eight years in office.

Obama will urge Congress to establish an Infrastructure Bank, a sort of Fannie Mae for bridges and tunnels.

Another passel of dollars out of the 300B will be earmarked for distribution to states to prop up their finances, presumably to all 57 of them.  Favor will be given to those states in the poorest financial conditions because they need it most.  True, they need it most, but some would say they deserve it least.  Their circumstances are the consequence of their own governance.  Bailouts enable the perpetuation of faulty governance by one at the expense of the others.

“Stimulus”?  Obama will not use the word.  It is in the process of being replaced.  Give me a Mulligan on this one.  One or two off-hand references don’t count.

The President will not fail to stoke the fires of class resentment at some point in his talk.

Although medium and small business is the cradle of jobs, no more than lip service will be given to ease the obstacles that lay in the way their growth.

There’s more, but there’s also a deadline.  Let’s see how I do with the predictions given thus far.

OBAMA’S APPROVAL RATING JUMPS TO 62%

In a White House poll taken of 57 golfers, one from each state, the President was given a 62% approval rating.  It was a big jump from the 49% he got in the prior month when the poll was taken right after he six putted one of several 3 par holes on the government course.

“Barry’s swing is much improved” said Joe, “I think it’s because he’s spending much more time on the links since he retired.  That’s why I voted Yes.”

“He hasn’t retired yet, Joe.  Barry is still holding on to his big government job.  Where have you been, Joe?”

“No one told me, Harry, but I guess I should have known.  He still shows up at the first tee with that noisy helicopter thing.  It just about blows the socks right out of my spiked sneakers.  Have you seen my stuff anywhere?”

A shout came from another player on the other side of the fairway.  “Barry is the best player we have ever had on our foursome.”  It was Karl Engles.  “Agreed!” yelled Frederick Marks, the fourth member of the group.  “He plays the game like Karl and I have always said it should be done.”

“Second that!” came a lady’s voice from the center of the green.  The speaker displayed a big broad smile as she turned and pulled a long handled gavel from her bag to use for the putt.  She plunked a short one in the cup.  It wasn’t difficult.  She had a good lie.  At last sight, the veep had found his balls but was still looking for his hat.

LOOK! I THINK JOE FOUND HIS HAT

OBAMA PLEADS

President Obama appealed to Republicans to put partisanship aside and agree with him. The president spoke to reporters over a lunch of broccoli and peas, mostly peas. “It’s time for us all to come together and put aside the bickering over trillion dollar details.”  He said , ” If my administration is denied the right to add a few trillion to spending I will have no choice but to put a stop on Social Security checks and turn off the power to our veterans hospitals.”

Apparently unaware of the Ryan plan, Obama said “If someone has a better idea, I am willing to listen.”  He continued, “There was one Congressman, or maybe it was a woman, from one of the flyover states, I think it was Maine, who said he or she was ready to offer alternative ideas but not until I had come up with my own plan. I think this game of who goes first is the sort of childish behavior the American people are tired of seeing in Washington. It’s time for Congress people to stop playing party games and to sit down and eat their peas, so to speak.”

“Like I said, I am willing to come off the golf course anytime the other side is ready to sit down at the table.” The President was sincere. He spoke off the cuff, from the heart, not from a teleprompter.

WHAT A WACKEY WORLD

It’s amazing what you can learn from reading the links on Drudge.

Insect spies
In the military world we learn that the Pentagon is developing spy drones no bigger than an insect.  According to this New York Times report, the research is being conducted next to a cow pasture in North Carolina.  Finally we see some government efficiency.  If you are going to develop bug bombs it’s smart to do it where there is a good supply of bugs.

Trouble with Presidents
We always knew people died because Bush lied; now we find out President Obama is a murderer.  We have that from no less authority than the leader of the Nation of Islam, The Reverend Louis Farrakhan.  It must be true.  Certainly a Reverend wouldn’t lie.

Wrong urinal
We learn that one man peed away 8 million gallons of water in Portland, Oregon.  A surveillance camera recorded him in the act of finding bladder comfort on the shore of the town reservoir so the authorities drained it, all 8 million gallons.  Nothing was said of the small critters that roam its banks or the thoughtlessness of some of the birds that fly over the water.

Disqualified
Don’t fall into the same trap I did.  I paid my taxes and made my mortgage payments.  As a consequence, I don’t qualify for entry in a lottery to receive a grant from the latest billion dollar government fund for deadbeats.  Perhaps I’m being too harsh.  True misfortune has struck many a homeowner; but I suspect that true misfortune is not a requirement for application.

ATHIESTS DONT HAVE NO SONGS

It’s Steve Martin with his latest parody. It’s exquisitely amusing. I like the laid back style of the performance. It gives the impression they put this together on a lark just a few minutes ago.
Who knows, maybe it was.

THE SPITZER – WEINER REPORT

After Gen. Douglas MacArthur was fired by President Truman, MacArthur famously said “Old soldiers never die.  They just fade away.”  That may be the case with old generals, but what do discarded politicians do?

They become talk show hosts.  Scott Johnson has a suggestion for CNN; they could take Andrew Weiner on as a co-host and call it the Spitzer-Weiner Report.  There is a risk.  The congressman’s style is even nastier than that of Keith Olbermann or Ed Schulz.  But if he succumbs to an undisciplined mouth they way those two did, there is always John Edwards.  It would still be an all Democrat, all star show.  Although, as Scott pointed out, Edwards may not be aailable immediately.

Just imagine.  It could be the Next Generation in cable news, a program centered on excuses for corruption and stories of great right wing conspiracies and conservative hackers concocting tales of sexual escapades as though they were real.  With no pretense of truthfulness, no claim to fairness in broadcasting it would be the ultimate Political Reality show.

THE KLAVAN PLAN TO BRING FREEDOM AND PROSPERITY TO THE MID-EAST

 Once in a while someone proposes an utterly absurd idea that is not utterly absurd at all.  The incomparable and highly entertaining Andrew Klavan has come up with just such an idea.  He calls it the “One State Solution” to the Mid-East problem.  In a twist on the debating technique known as reductio ad absurdum Klavan makes some cogent points by recommending a solution to a thousand year old problem that is at the same time perfectly logical and totally impossible.

It is a fun video that makes a serious point.

LIMOUSINE LIBERALS EXPAND THE FEDERAL FLEET

Some hack once said, “Vegetables are not food.  Vegetables are what food eats.”  Undoubtedly, the hack was a redneck conservative with a decided distaste for liberal food.  I would have liked him.

Now it seems, with the advent of the Socialist regime, scratch that, the Barack Obama regime, we have a new wave of limousines for our liberal leaders.  My immediate thought on hearing this was “Limousines are not for the poor.  Limousines are for liberals who feed off the poor.”  Without the poor to save from poverty the liberals would have no constituency to put them in office.  Liberal politicians have the psychologist’s dilemma.  The better you do your job of solving the patient’s problem the faster you lose your customers.

Weasel Zippers (howz that for a blog name) is just one of many to report that the Socialist regime, scratch that, the Obama Administration has increased the limousine fleet by 73%.  Imagine that, 73%.  Of course there is no good reason why a political hero should have to ride in the back of a Chevrolet like.., well,…like the poor people, the masses.

We understand some, like Hillary, prefer very lightly tinted glass so they can be seen and photographed by the press while going about their hero work.  Others prefer the opaque look with strictly one way glass, Congressman Weiner for instance.  Still others don’t care as long as it has a bar.