Category Archives: Humor

THE STACHE ACT, A TAX BREAK FOR THE MISTACHIOED

Keep a bushy upper lip and you may qualify for a $250 annual tax deduction for expenses incurred in the nurturing and caring for your hirsute growth, provided that is, if a recently introduced Bill passes into law.  The Bill was submitted to the House Ways and Means Committee for judicial review, the normal process for proposed changes in tax law.  Unbelievable?  It’s a fact.  Here is the story as reported by David Halper for the Weekly Standard.

The first thought any good capitalist would have would be to look for a manufacturer of mustache mugs and buy some of their stock.  But don’t expect the industry to be subsidized.  Mustaches are never green and the bill was introduced by a Republican, Rep. Roscoe Bartlett of Maryland.  There are risks however; the feminist movement is sure to bring action.  Married women filing jointly will still benefit of course, but others would need to take hormone shots in order to qualify.  There is little question but that the Supreme Court would find The Stache Act to be discriminatory, somewhat like abortion laws that only apply to women.

Someone in Washington or perhaps Maryland must have been having some fun at the expense of the Honorable Roscoe.  I hope the newspapers in Europe don’t catch this one.  It could cause them to think our lawmakers are foolish.

 

IT’S SADIE HAWKINS DAY!

Run for your lives, men; it’s Feb 29th

There once was a time, long long ago, when ladies did not make advances to men.  This was a handicap that fell hardest on the less attractive members of the distaff gender.  It was back about 1937 when Hekzebiah Hawkins decided to do something about it.  His daughter was the ugliest gal in all of Dogpatch and he feared she would be besot with spinsterhood.

Now, Hekzebiah was recognized by some folks as the Mayor of Dogpatch.  Be that truth or otherwise, old Hek was for sure influential in the valley so he decreed a day be set aside for a foot race where the gals could chase the guy of her choice, and if caught, the poor lad was obliged to accept a life of blissful matrimony with the successful runner.  It would be Sadie Hawkins day.

But, alas, the day Hekzebiah chose for this annual event was the last day of February in 1936.  It happened to be leap year, leaving the gals only one day every four years for their pursuits.  Most of the folks in the valley agreed with Prudence Pimpleton who said “it was Lil Abner’s lobbyist what got that day picked, no doubt about it”.

OCCUPY WOMEN TAKE THEIR PROTEST TO MEN’S TOILETS

A new women’s movement has been launched by Ms. Li Tingting in Guangzhou, China.  Speaking as a man, I have no objection to women’s movements.  Most of them are rather pleasant in fact.  But this one takes on a new dimension.  A group of ladies in China are demanding toilet equality.

When I first saw the headline I thought the fuss was about the age old conflict of the seat.  The ladies know we need it up but they always, always leave it down.  That has long been a pet beef of mine.  But no, the women in China are griping about the long waiting lines to enter the Ladies Room when there are no lines at all for the men.  Is this a valid example of social injustice or just some new form of maleness envy?

Studies show that there are about the same number of men in the world as there are women.  Further analysis reveals the size of the restrooms generally to be equal.  So what can be the cause of the problem?  More important, what is the solution?  How about MORE STALLS FOR THE 50% !!

Read about it here.  It’s priceless.

LARRY GRISWOLD – COMEDY FROM THE GOOD OLD DAYS

IF THERE WERE MORE LOAFERS THERE WOULD BE FEWER PEOPLE OUT OF WORK

What this country needs is more people loafing in the workplace.

FORTY THOUSAND NEW LAWS TOOK EFFECT ON JANUARY FIRST

New laws were added to the tune of 40,000 across the country in various states; and that is just new State laws, not the Fed’s.  There is no report of any laws being extinguished.  Let no one claim we are a lawless nation.

In Idaho it is still legal to blow your nose with the tissue held either hand.  I’m not so sure about California.  At one time it was illegal to cross a bridge over a river or to plant a kiss on your own child on a Sunday in Connecticut.  It wasn’t state law because there were no states.  Connecticut was a colony of the British Empire at the time.  In those days most river crossings were by ferry.  What bridges did exist were private enterprises and you had to pay a toll.  Free enterprise was encouraged 6 days a week, but never on the Sabbath.  I have no idea why mothers were forbidden to kiss their tots on Holy and Fast days.

We certainly are not going back to blue laws, as these religious rules were called, but some of the new ones are just as ridiculous.  In New York you cannot smoke within 100 feet of a public building.  Why 100 feet; are 75, or 25, or 10 not enough?  NYC Legislative Bill A10129 was introduced to outlaw the use of salt by cooks in restaurants.  This is getting beyond mandating screwy light bulbs and half flush toilets in Seattle where there is so much water that only people who love rainy days live there.

I have to check again on the nose blowing rules in California.  Someone told me it is illegal to use tissue in either hand; it’s to save the trees, you know.

$38,500 FOR DINNER WITH BARACK OBAMA

At least it wasn’t just lunch.  Yesterday, 20 people tossed in $38,500 apiece to have dinner with Barack.  And to think, I am happy if you just pick up the tab.

How do you suppose they came up with a number like 38 ½ thousand?  Did they start at 50, were offered 25, then agreed to split the difference?  Perhaps the 500 bucks was for the waitress.  But that’s not even 10%.

I said waitress.  Did I err?  Can you say that any more, or is it too gender specific?  How long has it been since you heard some one say “I’ll be your waitress this evening”?  There are no more waiters or waitresses; there are only server persons.  I don’t know what these people think they are hiding.  I can still tell if my server person is a waiter or a waitress, most of them anyhow.

Excuse me; I must sign off now.  My server person just called my number; my burger and fries are up.  I just need to get some ketchup and fill my soda cup.

ADDENDUM
AP reported the number as 35,800; Drudge puts it at 38,500.  I am going with the Drudge figure.  I can’t see Democrats leaving an 800 dollar tip.

THATCHER AT HER BEST

“A common European currency is a preposterous idea and we will have none of it!”  Such was the steadfast position of Margaret Thatcher’s government.  For sheer entertainment the proceedings in the British House of Commons have no peer in government.  The Prime Minister stands up and speaks briefly.  The Sub-Prime Ministers moan loudly.  When the Prime pauses, the Sub-Primes leap from their seats, some of them that is.  They plop down as fast as they pop up, like bubbles in a boiling stew.

One minister refers to another as Right and Honorable and then lambastes him (or Her) with the sharpest sort of insults and both sides have a hearty laugh.  They talk about each other, in front of each other, but not to each other.  Like two kids tattling on one another to their mom, the ministers tell everything to a man wearing a silly looking wig.  A strange lot, the British.

The issues under siege in this clip are, first, the European Union which Thatcher sees as a looming federation robbing the individual nations of their sovereignty bit by bit, and secondly, the specter of outright Socialism.

SMORE OCCUPIES

Occupy Chicago is looking like Occupy Lite.  A majority of the Chicago protesters appear to be people who have done an honest days work.  No serious mob behavior here.  Chicago being Chicago, whooda thunk?  Nurses are in the fore and the signs actually relate to their complaints.  The movement’s various factions certainly are diverse.

Then there is Occupy Oakland where it has already gone violent.  The video needs no words.

The Occupations know no limit.  Occupies and occupiers are everywhere.  How about this one?  Occupy Everything.  The “About” message put forth by this group on their website explains why it would be a better world if they could only occupy everything.:

Occupy Everything is an anti-capitalist initiative—established in 2009—dedicated to militant research, critical pedagogy and public practices that include mediatic intervention, feminism and the anti-enclosure movement. OE is collectively-operated and dedicated to building an open access culture of resistance. Please send your contributions to…

I could support the mediatic intervention in their agenda but I am diametrically opposed to the pedagogy and pubic practices  espoused by this particular occupation faction.  And I’m more or less unanimous about that.  

So there you have it.  From the sublime to the ridiculous, you can choose your group.  You can march to overthrow the government and end the free market system or march just to plead for a job.  You can even donate to a scam artist.  Be careful.  It can be dangerous out there.

CHUCK SCHUMER FOR PRESIDENT

The Democrat’s dilemma – go in 2012 with an apparent loser or give up the race card and draft Hillary.  The race card is pretty well played out.  It’s gone from an Ace to a Ten, or maybe a Jack at best.  Drafting Hillary would be the Democrat’s best chance, but what if Hillary declines to run?  Who is up next?  Chuck Schumer.

Sen. Schumer can bring in all of those NY State electoral votes.  He has the stridency that appeals to the party base and the NY sophistication which appeals to the party elites.  Whoever runs, it is beginning to look like it is not going to be Barack Obama.  The man has been a disaster for the economy, has dealt a crushing blow to blacks and has been a great disappointment to socialists who thought their day had finally come.

A day is like a year in politics.  But party strategists must make their decision now.  And now it looks like the Democratic candidate will be a sacrificial lamb.  Hillary isn’t the type to volunteer for a slaughter.  If not Schumer, then who, Al Sharpton?  (That was a joke).  How about Al Gore?  He won once before.